Sunday, 28 June 2015

So what happened to the time? (The gnomes stole it!)

So friends,

The time has come, or has it? How does time come? Isn't time always there, right by your side like a loyal dog ready to catch the stick? I don't know. Time seems to have many properties that make it the perfect subject for poetic examination, hence it's inclusion in almost all creative endeavours throughout human history. Some of the most fantastical pieces of art took lots of time to make, time was playing the long game on those ones, helping massage them into history, giving them a timeless quality.
Monkeys for hire, they protect you from time gnomes.

In fact, the more time that is invested into something, the more timeless it becomes. Or is that just stupid? It probably is, but only time can truly tell. Time is the holder of all the secrets and mysteries of the universe, and given some gentle persuasion we might be able to trick time into giving up some of it's vast wealth of knowledge. I wrote a song about time, it's on my record 'Tea in Paradise', you can buy it if you like, it would be a timeless gesture in this chaotic world (whatever that means) (( it's on itunes and amazon and spittlefy etc.))

Here is an acoustic video of 'Where's the Time?'. I recorded it at home with the sea waving behind me. I think a time gnome may have snuck in and stolen a few minutes, see what you recon.

So the time gnome theory. What is it?

Well inquisitive words, the 'Time Gnome' Theory, or, complete load of non-sense I'm about to write, to give it it's full title, goes into some deep quantum physicsal holes and comes out the other lemon. Time has no physical substance and cannot be manipulated through normal physical type means, but there are beings that CAN manipulate it as if it were a mouldable palpable thing, these are the Time Gnomes.

They might not be gnomes in the normal everyday garden variety way, they are more like inter-dimentional beings that we can't ever hope to understand, so stop even trying. There are several recorded cases of time being stolen from our dimension by these beings, often is it put down to simple things like excessive alcohol consumption, or a lack of good healthy naked sleep, but really it is the Time Gnomes coming in and stealing it from us.

This is a common 'time gnome' distraction technique,
Be Warned! He is stealing your time as you look at him.
These time gnomes can shift their size and time stealing capabilities, there have been sightings of times gnomes that stretch miles up into the sky and carefully pick time off of passing planes and helicopters (time is easiest to harvest when humans are distracted, and for some unknown reason, plane food is one of the preferred seasonings of the huge time gnomes). They also can be microscopic, capable of only stealing a fleeting second or two of your time, but this is enough to feed a family of tiny time gnomes for several weeks.

On a recent secret expedition to the mountains of Tibet, a Time Gnome cave storage room was discovered by a group of monks trekking through the mountains during a Lord of the Rings historical reenactment. The cave was said to contain almost 150 years worth of stollen time, the monks were able to bring almost a whole year back with them, but to this date no one has yet recovered anymore of the time. Unfortunately, the time required to go and retrieve the stollen time requires conversion into money, because as well as know, time equals money. This simple math reduces us to the paradox that the money we would invest, as well as fresh time, would cancel itself out eventually and make the whole thing pointless, so let's not do any of that.

So if you see something flickering in your sight, it could be one of them pesky time gnomes taking a minute or two away from you. Please pay attention.

This has been fun, plus I got to kill some time writing it. I tied the time up, gagged it and sat back to see if any gnomes would come and try and steal it. I think they must have snuck round the back of me because before I knew it I had lost a whole bunch of time.

Damn you time gnome-ingtons!!!!

Peace and infinite time
Mr. Jackson (Andy)

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